


A Cat is a Spy's Best (And Only) Friend

by bigstrongboss



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 23:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17314097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigstrongboss/pseuds/bigstrongboss
Summary: spy's cat goes missing.





	A Cat is a Spy's Best (And Only) Friend

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic, which i wrote impulsively in under an hour. enjoy!

Bibi was missing.

  
He’d known that it was a risk to keep an animal on base. If the Administrator caught wind of it, for starters, she’d seize the opportunity to emotionally blackmail him. And that wasn’t even to mention what the idiots he lived with would do. But hell, what kind of spy would he be if he couldn’t even hide a housecat?

  
Bibi reminded him very much of himself. Elegant, respectable, purebred. She carried herself with the dignity and poise that only cats can possess. And above all, she was a damned smart cat. She was well aware of the danger that leaving Spy’s chambers presented.

  
And yet, for some reason, she had completely vanished three days ago.

  
At first he hadn’t been bothered. Cats get curious. She would find her way back for dinner. Then the next day had rolled around with still no sign of her return. It was at this point he became worried. Had one of the brainless goons kicked her out? Was she being held captive by the other team in some twisted psychological warfare? Maybe they’d used her in last night’s dinner. He waited one more day. Still no sign.

  
Tracking down humans he was a master of, but how was he supposed to find a missing cat?

  
If any of the other mercs had come to him with the same issue, he would have felt insulted at the mere suggestion that he would have time to waste on such matters. The reality was, however, that Spy spent the majority of his time on base stalking his co-workers and spreading gossip. A missing cat was almost exciting.

  
He took an hour to consider all possibilities of her whereabouts. It was unlikely she had gone far from the base, if she had left at all. She’d left during the night, presumably through the window. But why? There was no way she had been taken by force from within his room, because he had trained himself even in his sleep to maintain a level of vigilance. And anyone who found her off base wouldn’t know she belonged to him, which ruled out the possibility of his enemies taking her. His first conclusion was that an unsuspecting Teufort citizen had picked her up, with no idea what ungodly nightmare they had invited into their life by doing so. But the people of Teufort very rarely ventured close to the base, and Bibi couldn’t have gone so far in one night.

  
No. There was only one person that lived near enough base to be a suspect.

Spy let out a long sigh.

  
-

  
“A cat? Why the bloody hell would I have a cat?” Sniper narrowed his eyes at the Frenchman. “And more importantly, what’s so important about this cat that you’d voluntarily speak to me?”

  
“That is none of your concern, Bushman.” Spy sneered. “Just answer. Briefly.”

  
“Well,” He started slowly, “I hear strays prowling around a lot at night, so I mostly tune out cat noises.” He paused, glancing back into his camper at something Spy presumed he didn’t want to see. “But Scout told me he was hearing weird animal noises around the base lately. Could have something to do with it.”

  
And before Spy could continue his interrogation any further, Sniper pushed him out of the doorway and locked him out.  
Huffing with annoyance at the tasteless treatment, he gathered his resolve to move forward with his investigation.

  
Oh, Christ, he had to talk to Scout.

  
He decided to indulge himself in a quick smoke beforehand. Maybe it would help him retain some of his sanity.

  
-

  
“-an’ like, I didn’t even have to invite her to the gun show for her to just fall into my arms’ y’know? Cause it’s all about the face for these chicks, and I mean, I don’t know if you’ve looked at me before but-“

  
“Mon Dieu, Scout, I am fairly certain that the prostitute was more interested in your money than any aspect of your physical appearance.”

  
Scout spluttered, “Well- I mean- just cause I paid her doesn’t mean-“

  
“Would you please refrain from discussing your sexual encounters and refer back to my initial question?”

  
He scrunched up his nose. “Oh, the animal noises? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s from Soldier’s room. Maybe he’s making them himself. Have you ever seen that video where the military dudes imitate birds and shit? It-“

  
“Who is little man talking to?”

  
“I ain’t little, and I’m talking to- hey, where’d he go?”

  
-

  
Spy had never seen Soldier’s room before. The American was rather low on Spy’s list of “Teammates to Track Every Movement Of”, as the man followed a strict routine every day that didn’t involve spending any time in his room anyway. It was all too predictable that it would be run down and covered wall to wall in American propaganda. And he wasn’t wrong. It was almost entirely barren, save for a bed, a pile of clothes, and a bedside cabinet which contained only a book about military tactics (at least he knew that Soldier was literate now), a shotgun, and some carefully looked after medals.

  
Where on Earth did the man keep his personal possessions? Did he have any at all?

  
He took a moment to let his eyes sweep the room. Aha! Spy almost laughed as he noticed a loose floorboard under his feet. Of course Soldier would be hiding anything of important down there.

  
Carefully, as to not make too much sound, he pried the floorboard open.

  
Cat food.

  
Tins and tins of store brand cat food.

  
Before he had time to process the information, the thundering of boots down the hallway alerted Spy that he would be caught if he didn’t act fast. He jammed the floorboard back in place and cloaked, clambering for the window.

  
Merde. It was far too small for a human to squeeze through. Cursing himself for losing track of time, he resigned himself to sitting in a corner until Soldier left for dinner. He would only be here for 13 minutes unless his schedule had changed since Spy had last updated it, which was unlikely.

  
Soldier slammed the door shut behind him with so much force that Spy winced. He smelled like sweat and dirt, something that Spy had grudgingly become used to.

  
“There you are, Lieutenant.” He chuckled to himself, squatting down to reach into the pile of clothes. “Come to Jane.”

  
In disbelief, Spy watched as the man retrieved a raccoon from the heap and stroked it’s head with gentleness he had never imagined the man possessed. Soldier cooed at it as though it were a baby, seemingly unaware that it was trying to manoeuvre itself into a position where it could bite him.

  
“Are you hungry, Sergeant Scratches?”

  
“Bibi!”

  
Soldier screamed. He span around with terrifying speed, a ragged raccoon and a Persian cat cradled against his broad chest.  
“Crouton!” He yelled. Spy grimaced at the volume. “Snooping around in my quarters, huh? Didn’t you see the sign on the door? ‘No Un-Americans Welcome!’”

  
“Excusez-moi, Soldier, but that is my cat.”

  
“What?” He stared down at it in confusion. “Lieutenant, did you go and make friends with a European?”

  
“Make friends?” Spy scoffed. “Bibi is a civilised animal. She turns her nose up at your trash dweller.”

  
“Well, she’s the one who broke into my quarters! Just cause you made up a prissy name for her doesn’t mean she’s your cat.”

  
“She only broke in because you are hoarding cat food! And why are you feeding your raccoon cat food anyway?”

  
Soldier tensed. “I have a constitutional right to privacy, Frenchie, and you just violated that!”

  
Spy rolled his eyes. “Spare me the dramatics sil-vous-plaît, and return Bibi to me.”

  
“What? No! Maybe a coward like you wouldn’t understand, but in America, once you’ve bonded over a shared tin of cat food with someone-“

  
“Are you speaking from experience?” Spy sniggered.

  
“Yes, but that’s not the point- you can’t just separate these creatures, they’ve formed a bond, the way all men do, and you can’t just break that.”

  
“Soldier. You cannot keep my cat.”

  
“Maybe you didn’t get the memo, crouton, but America is the land of the free. You can pry this cat from my cold, dead arms, and when you do so I’ll fight through Death’s eternal imprisonment just to personally ram my shovel up your ass. You. Will not. Ruin. Their. Friendship.”

  
Spy pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh, Mon Dieu, just put the cat on the floor and see which of us she prefers.”

  
Soldier didn’t budge for a moment, but after a moment of thought he lowered her to the ground. “C’mon, Sergeant,” he muttered to her. He walked two paces away, so that there was an equal amount of distance between each man and the cat.

  
But even a cat as smart as Bibi cannot always sense the tension present in moment such as these. She doubled over and began to groom.

  
“Ok, I know what to do.” Soldier grinned. It filled Spy with an immobilising sense of fear. Soldier let Lieutenant Bites tumble out of his arms, not before giving him a reassuring scratch. “If they’re friends, I get to keep Sergeant!”

  
Spy sighed. “Bibi.”

  
“You’re in America. Speak American.”

  
The two watched with anticipation as the raccoon approached the beauty, both unwittingly holding their breath. Lieutenant Bites pawed at Bibi. She ignored him. He swiped at her face. She returned the gesture, and lunged at him, hissing louder than either of them knew a cat could hiss. Lieutenant Bites let out an ungodly noise somewhere between a screech and a growl and flailed at her with his claws bared. It was beyond play fighting, surely.

  
“See?” Soldier beamed. “Best friends!"

  
It was only in this moment that Spy would agree with Soldier’s constant accusations of cowardice. As much as he feared for Bibi’s safety, he couldn’t intercept and save her out of fear of rabies. Which, to be fair, was not misplaced. Thankfully, Soldier scooped up the monstrous animal attacking his precious puss to shower it with praise and affection. He snatch Bibi up into his arms, silently offering his thanks to God that she was mostly undamaged.

  
“Your idiot raccoon almost killed my cat!”

  
Soldier snorted. “What, can European cats not play rough? That’s how Lieutenant treats all his friends. It’s a sign of endearment!”

  
Spy attempted to form a retort, but decided that storming out of the room would waste less of his time and energy.

  
At least, he tried to storm out of the room before Soldier pulled him into an awkward sort of side embrace with one arm. “Well, maybe Lieutenant Bites doesn’t show his affection in a way you can understand Frenchie, but look how hard he’s trying to bite you! That means you’re on his good side.”

  
Spy tried lean away from the beast, glaring it down, but Soldier only held onto him tighter. “And if Lieutenant Bites likes you, so do I!” He paused. “Well, except from the fact you’re French. You should get a real nationality.”

  
“Yes, thank you, goodbye.” Spy shrugged out of his clutches.

  
“Hey, I do have some spare tins of cat food out, why don’t we...”

  
Spy was already far away.


End file.
